Buckets of tears

Man, all I'm doing it crying in the last 24 hours!

First, my sister recommended the movie Hachi to watch. She said it was about a dog and really good. My sister doesn't like animals, so I figured it must be really good if she liked it.

Well, it's a terribly SAD movie. The animal is mourning his master for about 10 years and it's horrible to watch. I just cried and cried and cried!

Then today we got a phone call that a very special friend, Jeannette, passed away this morning. She was my surrogate mother and Ryan's surrogate grandmother when we lived in PA. We started out as Heart-to-Heart partners, where we were "put together" at church for the program. Ryan was just a toddler at that time. When my grandmother passed away Jeannette offered to go with me to NY for the funeral so I wouldn't have to travel alone with Ryan and that gave us a great opportunity to get to know each other. Ever since then we were together at holidays, went shopping together, got together and scrap-booked, just stopped in and visited...When she was sick I would take meals over. She took care of Ryan for me several times. Once when Ryan was a baby I was in such depression that I called her but couldn't talk. She came right over. Sent me to bed and took care of Ryan and everything else.

Recently I would call her every week or so to see how she was doing because cancer was taking such a toll on her. I didn't want to be calling when she was sleeping or really struggling to breathe, so I started following her condition on her daughter's Facebook page.

Well, her daughter told me that she and her dad were trying to convince her mom that it was okay to go, that they would be okay without her. The only time I've ever heard of people doing that is at the very end, so I assumed from that that she could pass at any time. I knew the daughter was still teaching school and had a week to go, so I told her to PLEASE stay home with her mom, that I didn't want her having any regrets.

WELL, she wrote me and said it was HER mother, NOT MINE and to keep my opinions to myself. She took me off her FB friend list and I begged her to not do that because it was how I knew how her mom was doing, but she told me no and to never contact her again.

So it's been especially hard losing Jeannette because I feel like I've been banned from her at the end. Her daughter had told her about being mad at me and I'm afraid she didn't give the full information. I know her daugher was really struggling with being about to lose her mother and try to not harbor bitterness, but it's been very hard not knowing how Jeannette was and not feeling like I could call the house anymore because I knew her daughter would be there once school was out.

So, I've been crying some more today. I've been crying buckets.